Into the Light

Empty eyes; not lit up with fiery passion or tortuous pain. Simply numb, yet able to dart into my soul with incessant manipulation and the maniacal prowess of some otherworldly predator. I found refuge in those eyes, entranced by the torment and shameful vulnerability that I recognised within myself. Regretfully, it was like staring in my own reflection.

I remember being young, certain that the world around me must have some comprehensible meaning. I would search for it in the dusty pages of books, seeking to feed my curious mind and fill that agonizing void with some purpose. Though, I could only find a flurry of ideas and philosophies that attempted to decipher the world around me in the same way as myself, reflecting my own disorganised mind and ultimately failing to provide what I was searching for. Experiencing life without direction seemed in itself laborious and impossible, how can one float through existence with no desire to know why they are there or at least where they are going? Perhaps some people found the unknown comforting; believing that nothing is certain except uncertainty itself. Whoever they were, I pitied them.

The first time I met him remains a vivid memory. Caught in a moment of vulnerability and isolation, I was entranced by the seductive offers of community and support - things that were wholly foreign to me at the time. Those eyes were hypnotic, beckoning to me with offers of enticing comfort and the answers to all my questions. I was enchanted by his charismatic openness and the omniscient aura that seemed to follow him wherever he went. I felt safe around him, all of my worries would dissolve as no matter what challenge I faced, he had the solution. Enveloped in knowledge and wonder, I began to feel as though I had finally found my essence, and I realised that a life deprived of this would simply bring torment and fear. I was lucky to have found them, and a family like this - they assured me - was worth any measure of sacrifice.

Not only did I feel emotionally obligated to devote my entire being to this community for the sake of my own philosophical endeavours and fulfilment, but my epistemic responsibility as an individual to do so. I accepted their ideas as the entire truth, and it would be selfish of me to keep these beliefs to myself. I knew in my heart that the truth was our only chance of liberation, and spreading our principles of morality was the only escape from damnation. In a sense, I was stripped of individuality but ultimately it meant nothing to me; it was blissfully easier to think in an identical sense to the people around me than to form my own ideas. I was convinced that this ordered way of thinking and unconditional adherence to my leader would bring universal enlightenment, not only for myself but for the rest of humanity.

Life became simpler, questioning became irrational and reality itself became arbitrary.