Survival Guide: Lockdown with your Teenager
DO NOT liken us to Kevin the Teenager in the mornings. Yes, we do sleep in late and fine, maybe we can get a little groggy when we’ve just woken up, but that kind of reference is simply too far back in time for our meme-filled modern minds. Yes, make us snacks every so often. We do get tired with all the remote school work and it would be nice to be brought up a smoothie or a biscuit while we’re constantly slaving away, but:
DO NOT suggest ‘quality family time’. When strung together, those three are the most dreaded words in the English language. I’m making up excuses already. The very thought strikes dread into our hearts. Especially board games. What evil man created board games? I think a short film together in the evening is by far enough.
DO go out shopping FOR us. With a mutated Coronavirus that now possibly affects children, you cannot risk the future generation of the planet leaving the house, like… ever.
DO NOT constantly type ‘WhatsUpp?’ to us through WhatsApp. We completely understand that you’re only just discovering the ‘magic’ of wondrous technology and miraculous social media, but we do not find it amusing whatsoever. Yes, even the fourth time. Still not funny.
DO watch (and Ru-watch) each episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race with us. There’s nothing better and more confidence-boosting right now than seeing brave gay men put on a dress and have a good time, okrrr! Also, #Team Crystal all the way darling.
DO NOT wake us up every morning by viciously pulling the curtains apart and shocking us with the bright morning daylight.
DO leave the house when I have my speech and drama exams. You have no idea how self-conscious I’ll be if I think my entire family has their ears pressed up against the door.
DO NOT even mention the words: ‘might have the virus’ if we get the mildest symptoms: be it a faint cough or a slight sore throat. We will get scared as soon as we see the Google results, and you certainly don’t want to be left with a nervous teenager on your hands.
DO help us with technology. We may be staring at screens every waking moment, but we have no clue what to do when the Wi-Fi stops working.
DO NOT make any attempt to home-school us. Although it works with our bohemian next-door neighbours, it abso-ruddy-lutely doesn’t mean we would take lessons from you. Plus, I think our teachers have it under control, thank you very much.
DO help us re-decorate our rooms. We need you for all the tall-reaching and the heavy-lifting. And it swerves our minds away from the fact that we are literally living an apocalypse movie.
DO NOT blast your weird indie music in the house. It is extremely distracting and at least we have the decency to shut the door. Now, go to your room!
AND NEVER, EVER dare to try going over our times tables with us. We forgot about those things back in Year 7. Have you even heard of a calculator? Welcome to the 21st century, dearest Mum and Dad.
